ALL I DO IS WORRY!
JUNK FOOD
6 part series, 2018
CATHARSIS
a nine part series, 2018
ego death
19 collage comics, 2018-2020
i said the moment that this stopped being fun for me, i wasn’t going to do it anymore. and the truth is, this hasn’t been fun for me for a while.this was a project i started out of fear that blossomed into something beautiful, and to taint its legacy by continuing to be inauthentic and keeping nullvoid alive would be the last thing i’d want to do.the truth of the matter is that i look at this like a chore now. i check the socials for this account and it’s like walking into an emotional prison. i have tied so much of my own inherent worth to the “success” of this company, which is a massive financial failure objectively. my audience is no longer engaged. i also see it as constantly reminding myself of what could have been or what once was, which does not serve me in any way.that being said, i also simply cannot afford to keep this going. i’m one person and i pay for all of these expenses out of pocket. i can’t reconcile with the idea of making people pay money for this brand so i gave out a ton of discount codes and i haven’t made a dollar of profit in all of 2024. this is my own doing and i take full accountability for it. i sunk a bunch of money into a bunch of things that ended up either not working out or backfiring entirely. while i initially started this brand out of fear of losing my job at the time for supplemental income, it stopped being about the money once i realized that the stuff i was making was resonating with people other than myself.nullvoid felt purposeful and necessary for me when the pandemic hit. i felt like i had things to say and i wanted to use clothes to say them. for a while, i was just making whatever weird thing came into my brain. everything shifted for me in 2020, both in my mindset and my personal life. i always had nullvoid to fall back on as something to keep me busy and happy, churning out designs and collections at what felt like record speed, looking back on it. i was proud of everything i made, and i was even more proud of the impact i could make by partnering with organizations and community members to directly give back to the capital region. of all things, i am the most proud of that.this brand helped me make so many connections, and i don’t mean professionally. i’m an incredibly anxious person, so to have the buffer of “here’s my brain on shirts” allowed me to make personal connections and friendships without the added pressure of being myself. in my mind, it was a representation and extension of myself, which was both empowering and terrifying. to exist publicly is to open yourself up to a flood of opinions.i grew up in the dawn of the anonymous internet and social media and during my teen and early adult years, i became afraid of putting myself out there because i was terrified of what people would say about me. trying to overcome that fear is a hurdle i still struggle with, and being available for criticism on a larger scale with a platform of over 2000 followers (paltry in comparison to that of my peers) started to wear and weigh on me. this, coupled with dabbling in performing live music and editing a magazine built on peer submissions, led to me feeling burnt out, exhausted, and resentful of everything i once loved.i spent the next few years up until this point trying to find my place. i started a skate team but i had no idea what i was doing. i was throwing shows that no one showed up to. i made a bunch of friends and then lost them. i started to become a recluse, and leaving my house became something i dreaded doing for fear of having to talk to a person, any person, and have them see me. vending was exhausting on top of my full-time marketing job, my three contract clients, my multiple freelance clients and being available at all times for the magazine. being perceived felt like a fucking curse, one that i had put upon myself the moment i connected my heart to this pursuit.i’ve accomplished so much cool shit. there is so much that i’ve done that 21 year old courtney would be in awe that i did. ‘streetwear brand, art zine, dj? holy shit, that sounds amazing’ i can hear myself saying as i roll burritos behind the counter of a now defunct texmex restaurant. i am the pinnacle of everything my incredibly (some would say overly) ambitious young self would have wanted to become. and for a while, that was so fulfilling. but at 28, i am operating off of fumes, with half baked ideas that i don’t even like. i am feeling empty and sad when i think of this project, where i used to be beaming with joy and pride.i got what i wanted. and then i wanted more, and that’s where i fell. i’ve learned that this entity is separate from who i am as a person. from 2023 to now, i have been holding onto it as a way for me to keep connections. it’s the electrical tape on a frayed cord i need to toss. it’s a clenched fist trying to hold sand. i am not nullvoid, nullvoid took on a life of its own. nullvoid is a product of me, without me it wouldn’t exist. and i don’t think it should continue ‘just because’.there will be a few more new capsules, stuff i’ve worked on with my baby brother and the catalog of unpublished designs i have in my backlog from 2020 on that i’ll throw out into the world. they’ll be simple, just some t-shirts and maybe some hats. the last collection will be “7 YEARS BAD LUCK” and will be released on november 29th, 2024. after that, i’ll be keeping the site up with my personal favorites and the devil logo items for anyone who wants them, but i won’t be releasing anything new.now that you’ve listened to me ramble, i just wanted to thank each and every person who has supported this brand and supported me. there are times when i’ve truly considered giving up out of frustration or sadness and then i get a comment or message about how much they love nullvoid or any of my creative pursuits. there are certain people who have been there since the beginning of this shit or who have come along the way and have made this feel so fucking worth it. i may be in the red when it comes to how much i’ve made over the past 7 years, but i’m rich with some close relationships i wouldn’t have otherwise.i don’t want this to be a mask or a crutch for me anymore. i want to live authentically. i don’t want to churn out basic designs or reprints because i can’t come up with anything else, that isn’t fair to anyone involved. i don’t want something i’ve put my heart and soul into to become another thing i do out of obligation. i have had enough of those pursuits. i am shifting into a space that is more focused on my personal art and writing, which is how i got here in the first place in 2017.if you’re still here, thank you. if you’ve been here from the beginning, thank you. if you’ve only recently joined this weird dark path i’ve taken you all on, thank you. i am so grateful to every single person who nullvoid has affected positively. but it’s time for me to lay it to rest before it becomes a shell of what it once was.if it isn’t fun for me, it won’t be good for you.nullvoid is dead, long live nullvoid.xoxo,
courtney